As you all know, I recently put my judgemental self aside and joined Match.com. And, yes, don't think my friends didn't give me shit for it. I was the lame one that couldn't find any winners in the natural world, so I had to enter the completely unnatural world of online dating. This world is the world where little girls chat with creepers online, thinking they are 14- year- old boys, meet them, and then end up dead. This is also the world where Mr. Hot N' Sexy is not hot and sexy at all, but more geek chic than anything else. My pride was definitely put on the line and I had to prove to all of my pessimistic friends that online dating wasn't that bad. I mean, all of those couples on the eHarmony commercials looked happy and real, right?

As I scanned and scanned for potential dates, I began to see that these men were not creepy or gross-looking, they were nice people like me that just did not have the time in their hectic fabulous lives to meet that special someone. At first, I wished I could have done this earlier because, honestly, I could have saved a lot of time and heartbreak.

Date 1: Mr Halitosis: Nice, funny, tall, smart, and the worst bad breath you have ever smelled in your entire life!!!!!!! I had to let the poor thing go. He wasn't my type because he was too much of a square. So, I used the handy blocking method. I know its kind of rude, but I honestly did not have the heart to tell him that what he had, he could never fix...ever. Well, maybe with some meds, but the docs tell me its incurable!

Date 2: Mr. Virgin: Umm... yeah, I need a man with experience if you know what I mean. I felt like telling him "Honey, sleep with at least five girls and then call me". However, it was not that simple. Not only was he a virgin, he was just plain boring! For heaven sakes, have a damn personality or go home! He still lives with his parents, he didn't go to college, and he is completely content being a UPS delivery man for the rest of his life. Granted, they do make pretty good money, but I don't want a man that caps off at $80,000 a year. I want a man who's dreams are so big, he doesn't see where his salary could cap off at. After about a half hour of him talking about how much he loved water skiing, I tuned him out and dazed off into space. All I could see in my direct line of sight was the Borders diet book section. Then I started thinking about my own workout plan and then sadly this man in front of me was no longer a date, but a burden. I then decided that it was my friend's birthday and that I must leave immediately. (Hmmm...that was a lie)

Date 3: Looks Good on Paper Guy: In theory, I should have really sparked with this guy. He was extremely intelligent, witty, interesting, sarcastic, and Latin. Unfortunately, there were no fireworks, sparks, or even hot ambers. Nada!!!! So now what? I stayed for the remainder of the date. I mean, he did make me laugh and I needed some humor with my latte. I think he felt the lack of sparks too and we eventually ended the date. I came to the conclusion that I cannot settle for a relationship with no fire. If I'm gonna do Latin, I have to have the passion.

Date 4: One-Arm Abercrombie: Now, I don't want to sound like a total bitch here, but hear me out before you make any judgements. Ok, if you don't have all four limbs, please tell your date beforehand. It's not the most comfortable thing when you go to shake your date's hand and realize they only have one arm. All I'm saying is he could have warned me. I would, however, like to applaud him for taking such great pics because, hell, I didn't know he only had three limbs! Okay, so moving past the one arm, there were more surprises ahead. Apparently, even at 20 years old, he still felt the need to call his parents "Mommy" and "Daddy". I don't know if other girls find that a complete turn-off, but I sure did. The rule is, you should stop calling your parents kid-names after about the age of ten years old. Now, despite all of his flaws, like being completely immature, I could see potential in about ten years. The kid still had a lot to learn about dating, women, and a little thing called maturity. However, all jokes aside, I could have sworn he was a Abercrombie model before the arm accident. His face was out of this world! It was heaven sent and absolutely amazing to look at. Honestly, that's what got me through the two and a half hour awkward date. Now, all he needs is maturity and proper arm etiquette. i.e. prepping his dates for his one-arm fabulous self.

So, there you have it. My four experiences in the virtual dating world. I have learned a lot, spent a lot, and I can truthfully say that I did have fun. If any of you out there choose to enter any of these dating sites, just remember: don't expect too much, have a tough skin, and if the date is going completely sour, sweeten it up with a stiff cocktail to get you through the rest.

Keep on dating my soldiers, keep on dating!!!!!!