Was Green Day right? Do nice guys really finish last? Are assholes just roaming the free earth preying on any nice, attractive girl they can get their paws on? Well if so, then that would explain why I have had so many failed relationships. Damn...or is it just the luck of the draw? Does the universe get to decide who gets an asshole and who gets a prince charming?

Alright, girls who are attracted to assholes please stand up. For one, you should be ashamed of yourselves! You're letting assholes get away with being assholes! Ok, ok, I understand how confidence can play a huge role in attraction. I mean Mr. Fugly over there in the corner could potentially stand up and become Mr. Gorgeous if he just added a dash of confidence and maybe another shirt. But here is the big question at hand, why do assholes have confidence while nice guys are left with nothing but chivalry? Don’t get me wrong, chivalry is nice and all, but if you can’t stand up for me, then honey I’m not going to be your lover.

Based on my bar observations, confident men are the ones with girls hanging from their biceps, while the nice guys are coyly making their way through the massive sea of dancing women only to retreat back to their buddies. I have seen this happen numerous times and I wonder if it’s ever possible to meet a nice guy at a bar or anywhere? Assholes are the ones that successfully score a woman or at least digits. On occasion, I have had a nice guy come up to me and attempt to make conversation. However, it was extremely awkward because of his lack of confidence and the fact that he was stumbling over his words so bad, I had to order a stiff drink to even hold a conversation with the poor gent!

So, ladies, here is the predicament: assholes have confidence, which is what we want in a potential mate, but nice guys have chivalry and well of course, are nice. Assholes are like that big ice cream sundae in the window. It looks amazing with a triple scoop of your favorite flavor, whipped cream, chocolate sauce oozing down the sides, nuts, and of course that juicy cherry on top. Yum! However, when you realize that it has 1,000 calories and will give you love handles, you know it’s just not meant to be eaten. Assholes are great at being the “nice” guy for a while. Some can even pretend for up to a year, but then they crack and their true selves rear it’s ugly head. Either we have to basically wait for an ice storm or we have to wait until nice guys get the confidence memo, which I’m guessing won’t be until they mature a little. And maturity and men is a whole other issue.

In conclusion, yes, right now assholes do get more sex because they have figured out the secret into a woman’s pants is confidence. However, in the end that’s all an asshole really has. Once his cover is blown and girls realize that he’s not all that plus a bag of chips, he then has to go back to preying on the young, naïve girls. And the good thing is this will only happen for a bit because then the wrinkles start to appear, the hairline begins to recede, and the beer belly starts to grow over his belt buckle. Like I said before, nice guys do finish last, but in the end it’s worth it. Because the man that you’ll eventually settle down with will be a great guy that just took a while to learn that confidence goes a long way.

Signs that He’s An Asshole:

1) He insults his friends
2) He’s immature
3) He’s sexist
4) He doesn’t appreciate an independent woman
5) He doesn’t make you feel special